How I stopped putting myself last...and how I learned to put myself first.

Simple Beginnings

Growing up on Long Island in the 90s, life was cushy and straightforward. I gave very little thought to what I wanted out of life. The expectation was clear: have fun as a kid, get good grades, get involved in extracurriculars, and go to a good college. It was competitive, but not chaotic like it seems today. The belief was that getting into a good college would pave the way to a successful career, allowing me to pursue my interests. I never questioned this path. It was simply the way things were done.

It all started when I decided to start a breakdancing club called ReFresH Dance Crew with my friends in college. This was a formative experience, building friendships and leadership skills. After graduating, I decided to take it more seriously, continuing to practice while living in Japan and during grad school in New York. It wasn't until after graduating from NYU with my Masters that I moved to LA to pursue my passion for hip hop dance. This was the first time I stopped putting myself last and started leaning into my interests.  

This transition marked a shift from doing what I thought society wanted me to do to doing what I truly enjoyed. I began to dance to the rhythm of my own drum, so to speak, but I was still influenced by the opinions of others, going with the flow without a clear direction. People constantly asked, "What are you going to do with your dance? How are you going to make a living?" I felt pressured to show up to events constantly to be seen. I often gave away my time and took gigs for little or no pay. It felt desperate. I lost my love for dance for a while, as well as my direction.

The Gap: Living With the Mindset of "Taking What I Can Get"

The huge problem with taking what you can get is that it creates a perception of having no choice, no power. It's a disempowering state of mind. People think being easy-going is a good thing, but if you're easy-going all the time and can't speak up for yourself, it leads to undesirable consequences. I never felt like I could ask for a raise or get a decent-paying job. I never felt worthy.

The biggest way I distracted myself from my true goals was by convincing myself I needed more certifications and training to "make it." This false construct kept me depleting my resources for external validation. My husband pointed out this pattern for years before I finally realized how self-destructive it was. I didn't have strategies to overcome this pattern; I just made the decision to stop. It was a mindset shift.

The Shift to Putting Myself First

It wasn’t until a decade later that I finally learned how to put myself first. Before, I always had one foot in, one foot out. I held onto part-time jobs to help me get by because I didn't believe in myself enough to make it. I had to take away the crutches. When I finally decided to put myself first, I stopped half-assing my dreams. I realized that to truly grow, I had to be intentional with my actions and decisions, despite the obstacles. 

Putting yourself first takes fierce intentionality. Distractions to your true goals will always exist, whether it's a cushy job that doesn’t allow for personal growth, social obligations, or student loan debt.  

Now, I hesitate less because I'm no longer willing to tolerate my own playing small. If an opportunity comes up that will propel my personal growth forward, I jump at it. I no longer operate as if I will "someday" pursue my dreams. I am the person I need to be now to reach that future self. And if I can make that decision, I believe that anyone can.

If you're ready to take your dreams and life trajectory seriously, I invite you to join my upcoming workshop, "Your 1-Year Evolution." In this goal-setting workshop, we will dive deep into aligning your actions with your true goals and creating the future self you envision. Let's take this journey together towards a more intentional and fulfilling life.

Join the Workshop: Your 1-Year Evolution