[00:00] Valerie Beck: Rise, Renew, Reconnect. Welcome to from the Ashes, a podcast where every episode ignites hope and healing.
I'm your host, Valerie Beck, and today's guest is Joseph San Nicholas. When I met Joe a few weeks ago, I was immediately drawn to his energy and the way he connected with the people around him.
He has this remarkable presence and perspective on life, and it was clear to me that he is on this planet to share.
Joe's journey really resonated with me, moving from self-hatred to self-love, from living a life shaped by external expectations to one of purpose, freedom, and choice.
[00:37] In this episode, Joe opens up about his upbringing on Guam and the pivotal moments that forced him to rethink his relationship with religion and himself.
He speaks candidly about facing the darkest parts of his mind and how he found his way towards healing and clarity. Before we dive in, I want to share a quick note for our listeners.
This episode touches on some heavy topics, including suicidal ideation and self harm. It also contains explicit language at times. Please take care of yourself while listening and pause if you need to.
Now, let's get into it. Here's my conversation with Joseph San Nicolas.
[01:25] Valerie Beck: All right, Joe, thanks for being on here with me today. Let's get right into it, shall we?
[01:31] Joseph San Nicolas: Yeah, let's do it. Thank you for having.
[01:33] Valerie Beck: You have had already so much wisdom to share with me. And because this podcast is called from the Ashes, I usually focus on those stories where. Or I ask people to tell their stories about times where they've really had to rethink or recreate who they are or where they didn't.
[01:52] They realized that their life wasn't what they thought it would be and they had to make changes. And I know that you have a lot of stories around that.
[02:01] So one of the things that you mentioned before we started the podcast was that your life mission changed.
[02:11] So let's tell the audience what it was and what it came to be.
[02:17] Joseph San Nicolas: Okay. Yeah, for sure. So just to give everybody an idea, my life mission now is basically to create an experience that is something that I want. Not something that was told or shaped by others, but something that I have control of.
[02:34] Not that I have control of everything, but from what I've learned in the transition is that we have choices and we may not have free will, in my opinion, and we can totally go over this, but there was a big transition where I found, like, the difference between Free will and freedom of choice.
[02:53] And all of this happened. I could pretty much pinpoint it was in 2020. That's kind of where it all started for me. After I was on my way transitioning out of the military, which I was retiring from, which shocked me because I didn't know you can retire from the military before you're 20 years.
[03:13] But, you know, it's. It's amazing what happens when you show up with a good attitude and you. You just. You show up ready, if I may say. I mean, not ready like you got everything prepared, but ready to take whatever comes your way with that good attitude.
[03:29] Because I do believe attitude drives a lot of factors. So it's up to us, son, what experience we want to create with that. But it was a pretty interesting time in my life.
[03:39] I was very religious, coming from Guam.
[03:44] God basically got me through my upbringing. I could pretty much give all credit to God. I'm no longer a believer in the religion, but I do believe in a higher power, some sort of source.
[03:58] But for me, I had to let go of God because all my life I never really was happy. Like, when I was younger, just to give you a little example, I used to pray for God to not wake me up when I go to sleep.
[04:15] Like, just take me. And when I used to wake up, I cry. Like, and if you cry as a boy, as a young man in Guam, and I'm not saying everybody, but from where I'm from, it's pretty weak, you know, so you can't be doing that.
[04:30] But in my room when I woke up, I'd be crying a ******* river. Like, seriously. Oh, and I do curse a lot, so it doesn't offend anybody. That's between us.
[04:40] And you can always hit me up. You'll probably get a way to reach me, and I'm all for it, but, yeah, so I would cry waking up, and there's reasons towards it.
[04:50] But to stay on topic on the time when it changed, I had to really audit my life, is what I call it. I audit my life and ask myself, you know, I have a beautiful wife.
[05:02] I have a beautiful. I have beautiful daughters. I actually have a home that I can call mine because we own it. I mean, we're still paying mortgage, but, you know, hey, I never had that growing up.
[05:11] Like, for me.
[05:13] So I have almost everything I could ever imagine, which I never thought I deserved. But I was still empty. And it was like, the more I try to make it better on the outside, it just kept.
[05:27] Like, I just kept dying on the Inside, more and more. And, you know, this was a feeling I've had since I was a kid. And I just kept chasing death, you know, And I wouldn't call me a death chaser, but if somebody wanted to fight, if somebody wanted a problem, I wouldn't cause it.
[05:43] But I'd be so up for, you know, dancing, if we should say that. But, yeah, it. It wasn't. It's not a place I recommend anybody, but that's what happens when your guidance isn't the best.
[05:56] And I'm not saying the people I grew up with weren't the best, but they gave me the best they had, and I had to learn from that. I wasn't going to let that hold me back.
[06:05] But after auditing my life and finding myself in the same feeling I had when I was once a kid, which I said, I'll never do it, like, have this feeling again, I asked myself, what have I not given up in order to make my life different?
[06:20] So the only thing left I haven't gave up was God. And that's really what. I'm not gonna lie. Scared the life out of me, because that's all I knew for, like, my whole life.
[06:32] Like, through deployment, through my whole time in the service, God got me through. That's what I gave credit to. The Lord got me through, gave me strength. He helped me endure everything.
[06:44] And, yeah, when I. When I had to come to that conclusion, I was shocked because I was scared. Like, I'm not scared of a lot, you know? But if there's one thing I was scared of was giving up God.
[06:56] Because in my mind, I believe that if I gave up God, I might not control myself. I might not be faithful to my wife. I might not be a good father.
[07:06] I just might be lost in sauce or whatever you want to call it, you know, like, where I'm from, there's guys that just get girls pregnant and then leave and do drugs, and that's.
[07:16] I know that's a lot of places, everywhere. But I'm just speaking on mine. And I'm not saying Guam's like that now or that's what people do. I'm just saying when I was growing up, that was some of the examples I had.
[07:25] And looking back, it was like, if I gave up God, I might not be a good person.
[07:31] And you know what? At that point, I said. I said, eff it. I said, what do I have to lose? I'm already back in the death feeling. And it breaks my heart because I got two beautiful kids.
[07:42] I got a Beautiful wife, dude. Like, I used to collect coins out of my truck and on the ground just to get food for lunch when I used to work after high school because I was irresponsible with my finances because ain't nobody teach me.
[07:57] And my dad is really great with having his finances straight, but I didn't want to be like him with money because he was pretty stern, I would say. But yeah, I went from that to now I don't even need to worry about the price.
[08:12] Anything we want, ******* get it. But that don't make me better than anyone. It just makes me in a better position than I was before. And how can I be in a better position in life but still feel just as empty or even more empty than I was before?
[08:28] So for me, I was like, I. I got no choice. I have to give up God. And. And you know, I. I really had a upfront contract, I should say, with it, with myself.
[08:38] I was like, you know, after studying the Bible for so many years and being a really, like. I wouldn't say. I don't know if I could say hardcore believer, but being true, as true as I can be to the faith, you can always go back.
[08:50] Regardless of what you do, where you do it, how old you've been or how long it's been, you can always come back just like the prodigal son. So I said, what do I got to lose?
[09:02] And the crazy part was it took me a few months to let him go and. But when I let him go, dude, life started getting really great. And as much as it pains me to say it, it doesn't anymore.
[09:16] Like, before, it hurt. But now I'm starting to understand why. Because now when I read the Bible, I haven't read it a lot, but when I do try, because it's really painful to go back into something that, you know, you really believed and loved and you just feel like you were tricked.
[09:33] But it wasn't the Bible's fault that tricked me. It was the religions I was under and the people around me that believed in certain ways. Because now I look at the Bible as another book I read, whether it's rich dad, poor dad, think and grow rich, you know, richest man in Bob's lawn, is that I read it just like any other book and I take the lessons in it and I see how we can apply it in our life.
[09:56] But it's something I'm still working on.
[09:59] And like I said, when I gave up God, my eyes started opening even more. Some people would call it the third eye, some People will call it just a new perspective.
[10:10] I just call it a choice I made and my life. I. I'm not gonna say sit here and act like I don't have the death feeling. Guess what? It's still there.
[10:19] But I'm more at peace with it than I was when I was rolling with God, if that makes sense.
[10:24] Valerie Beck: Oh, yeah. All right. Thank you so much for all of that. You've given me a lot to think about and I wanna dig into this more. I also wanna give the audience a little bit of context.
[10:36] So Joe here, he comes from Guam, you know, coming from a very average background, you said. Right.
[10:45] And the thing is, you've. You've retired before 30, which I actually only found out today. And it was something which a lot of people don't even know that they can do that or that that's a possibility.
[10:56] And so it's already. There is. There is something extraordinary that has gone on within you.
[11:02] But I want to backtrack a little bit on how we got here and dig into the death feeling a little bit.
[11:10] Joseph San Nicolas: Okay. Yeah.
[11:11] Valerie Beck: Because what I hear you say is that this is a recurring theme that has popped in that you have grappled with for your entire life since childhood, and it's somehow tied to your relationship with God or your religion.
[11:30] I'm not sure if those were mixed up it early on in life, but something about the death feeling you were able to overcome by letting go of your religion.
[11:42] So when did you start to feel like maybe letting go of your religion was the answer and why?
[11:52] Joseph San Nicolas: So, yeah, I believe so. The thing that really pushed me to let go, the religion. First of all, I was a Seven day of Venice, but I wasn't born and raised a Seventh Day Adventist.
[12:01] I was born and raised a Catholic in Guam. That's a big deal. When I was coming up, when I was growing up, I don't know about now if it's the same way, but when I was growing up, you must be a Catholic or you're not going to be welcome to the family.
[12:14] And I say it kind of jokingly because there were, you know, families that welcomed me, whether I was a Christian, but when I was a Christian, because they knew me before, they were kind about it, they joked around and they teased other religions, but they loved me for who I was.
[12:30] So having a good group of people around you to not judge you for what you believe in really helped. But I can't say that was my family, because my family really judged and not trying to say my family's bad.
[12:46] But the funny thing is a lot of us became Seven Day Adventists. And I'm not saying I got everybody on board. I just followed the Lord. And the more they questioned me, I showed them what I learned and they were like, how in the hell this idiot knows so much?
[13:01] Like how. I've been reading the Bible longer than this fool and he, he knows more and he can point it on the Bible. And I'm just like, I'm not showing off, I'm truly trying to seek because I'm tired of feeling this, this feeling of no purpose, of feeling like being dead would be a better option.
[13:17] And because as you mentioned earlier, you didn't know if religion and God were together or not. Just to put context on that, I believed in God at a young age and I didn't get religious until I was like in high school, which I started becoming religious in the Catholic faith.
[13:35] And that's kind of what drove me to go to a Seven Day Adventist seminar. Because my, my thought was I'm going to go there and convert everybody to become a Catholic and I'm going to go and try to fight with the guys and take their girls because I heard Christian girls were better, but that's just word of mouth and this was just the past, you know.
[13:54] And just to give you an example of the kind of mindset I had. Can you believe a guy with a mindset like that landed a place in California, San Diego, out of all places?
[14:04] And I, like I said, my life has changed drastically just because I took it serious and I had a better attitude than I did growing up. So yeah, it wasn't really together.
[14:18] At one point it was separated, but then it built and then it broke, but I still stayed with God. And then I rekindled with the Seven Day of Venice, my relationship with religion and God.
[14:29] So that's pretty much, yeah. Like what, what kept me from killing myself from taking my own life?
[14:37] I didn't believe because I was always taught, you kill yourself, you're going to hell. Don't you do that. And it's like, duh, there's my way out, you know? So with that said, I took it as okay, if I choose to kill myself, then I'm going to hell.
[14:52] What if I choose to put myself in high risk positions and hopefully I'll die, you know? So I used to race with my little truck. I used, I had a motorcycle and I did some really, really stupid things that, I mean, in a point in time I was proud of.
[15:10] But looking back, it's like, you are an idiot. Like, oh, my gosh. But no matter what happened, I did get into a few wrecks. And some of them, I should have died, but I didn't.
[15:22] I actually came out unscaled. And I actually went to school the following week like I was in high school at the time. And just to give more context, because I don't want to cheat anybody, I used to drink and smoke since I was seventh grade, just to give people an idea of the type of person I used to be.
[15:39] And when I smoked, it wasn't forced. I was around a bunch of guys and some girls in my seventh grade year, and they were older than me, they were eighth grade, and they would ask, hey, bro, you want to smoke with us?
[15:52] And I'm like, no, thanks, bro, I'm good. And, you know, they didn't force me. They didn't pressure me into it. They really said, oh, it's all good, bro. Don't worry about it.
[16:01] But it's crazy because I saw these crazy guys go out, smoke, come in, eyes bloodshot red, and they're so nice and kind, just laughing, and I'm like, I would love to feel like that.
[16:15] I wonder, what if I just tried, dude. Since then, I was hooked. I went. I was going to class, seventh grade, eighth grade, high as a kite, even higher because my friends, they had to hook up.
[16:28] But, yeah, and even drinking, I thought it was a way out. But like I said, all of these things, it kind of led me to those accidents, to those, I would say, idiotic moments.
[16:42] But in those idiotic moments, I learned from it. As I look back now, where I'm at versus looking back at it, feeling I was a failure, an embarrassment, just a waste of life, like I said, because ain't nobody I already branded myself as, you're not going to make it in life.
[17:01] Because if everybody's telling you that there's two things going to happen, it's either you're going to prove them wrong or you're going to give in. And honestly, I hate to say it, but I gave in.
[17:10] I drank so much, I smoked so much. And that's why I haven't drank in the last 10 years.
[17:16] And I'm scared to see. Well, I'm interested to see if I did drink, how I would be. But it's not a chance I'm willing to take, especially with the family I have now, because you just never know.
[17:27] But, sorry, I don't mean to go off topic.
[17:29] Valerie Beck: Oh, no, no, no. I want to open a can of worms, and I want to hear your perspective. It is unusual for someone so young to be fraught with. Fraught means, like upset or like, you know, really just disempowered by the feeling of lack of purpose.
[17:54] I think this might be my opinion.
[17:57] Joseph San Nicolas: No, I thought it's a great point.
[18:00] Valerie Beck: But why was it so hard for you to want to live without knowing your purpose?
[18:08] Joseph San Nicolas: Well, because I think to keep it in a nutshell, trying not to sidetrack too much from the start, like me being born. I wasn't even born yet, but my dad told me at a young age that my mom tried to have a.
[18:23] She tried to have an abortion with me. So off the bat, as a young kid, you're just like, you don't have the proper guidance to take that in and be like, bro, you wanted to get rid of me.
[18:34] Like, what did I do so bad? And you didn't even meet me yet. Like, am I that messed up that before you can get to know me, it's just done?
[18:41] And then on top of that, like, everybody treated me like I'm a spoiled kid because I was an only child. And I'm sure that's not just Guam. Everybody in the world, at least from what I understand, believe that only children are spoiled as hell.
[18:57] And you want to know what? I wouldn't say I was spoiled because my dad was really good with the word no. And my dad didn't make a lot of money.
[19:05] We had to do a lot of sidelines. Like, I was putting up shutters and windows when I was in ******* elementary and middle school. Because for my dad to make extra money, he couldn't ask one of his co workers or a friend, hey, come here and we'll split it.
[19:18] Nah, hey, come here, son. We're gonna do this. And you know, I did that all the way through to high school and even after. And you there's. And every time I would help my dad, everything I did was just not good enough.
[19:33] It's like, I'm sure he tried to show me love. I'm sure he tried to be a good dad to the best he knew. But from my side of things, I was not a fan.
[19:44] Because he knew how to use his words in a destructive way. And my dad never beat me up. He never hit me. Oh, I can't say never. He hit me.
[19:53] He nipped me once. And that if you want to get into it, we could. But the reason that drove me were some of these reasons. And like I said, like, I came from a.
[20:01] A household where I believe the term is where they eat their own. Does that make sense? A family that their own.
[20:09] Valerie Beck: Maybe explain it a little bit.
[20:11] Joseph San Nicolas: So I've heard of it before where a family that eats their own is basically, they turn on each other.
[20:16] Valerie Beck: Okay.
[20:16] Joseph San Nicolas: You know, instead of supporting and saying, hey, you know, I know this was rough, but you got this.
[20:22] Nah. Like, my third Holy Communion, my. When I was third grade, my first holy Communion, they teased me and said I look like a girl, you know, because I looked like my mom.
[20:32] And it was such a terrible thing for them to say, knowing that she wanted an abortion and that I never had her in my life until, like, I met her when I was first grade.
[20:43] Like, when I could actually remember meeting her, my dad said, hey, I got a surprise in the closet for you. And I'm like, surprise. This is weird. I never really get surprised.
[20:53] So I opened it. There's a ******* lady here. And I'm like, she looks like the one in the pictures. And he's like, hey, this your mom? And I'm like, this is weird, but I got to go to school, but I have a mom.
[21:06] And it was cool. But when I left, I was like, just don't have my hopes up that she'll be home because you just. It's been so long. What, am I going to start believing it now?
[21:16] And to go back a little bit more. When I was. One of the first memories I can recall because my mom left us when I was, like, either 6 months or 11 years old.
[21:27] I remember us staying in a home called Agate, in the village called Agate. And they were arguing, fighting. My dad even broke the glass because he was throwing. I think he'd do a pair of jeans or something.
[21:39] And then we ended up in the front door, and there was a car waiting for my mom, which was her boyfriend inside. And my dad was right in front of the door with my mom, and they're facing each other, and my mom was holding me.
[21:52] And I don't even remember the words, but all I remember was looking in my dad's eyes and seeing the pain. And I just shook out on my mom, and I grabbed my dad and he carried me.
[22:00] And that was kind of like it, from what I could recall. But before we go any further, I would like to give a little context on my mom because we do have a good relationship now.
[22:10] It's kind of funny because me and my dad are actually. We don't have a relationship anymore. I don't hate him. I still love him. But with my mom, you know, she.
[22:18] She wanted to have an abortion because of the life she was growing up in. Like, to give an example, my mom used to smoke at a young age. And when she, when my grandmother found out she was smoking, her adopted mom, dude, she said, give me that pack of cigarette.
[22:33] She took the pack of cigarette and shoved it in her mouth and said, hi, you want to smoke? Boom. It's like, oh. And that's what I heard from my mom, you know, so.
[22:42] And then on top of it, when I was in high school and I had 15, 16 year old friends that were girls, there's a few that got pregnant. And to see, just to see and experience the type of things they had to go through, it broke my ******* heart.
[23:00] And you know what? I was, as much as I could, I would be there for them. And I was like, bro, this was probably some of the things my mom had to endure.
[23:10] And when I say my mom was trying to have an abortion, she would down like vinegar Tabasco, have her friends step on the stomach. And it's like, you know what?
[23:17] That made me hate her for years.
[23:20] And it's just because that's all we knew. See, the funny thing is, when you don't really know everything, you shouldn't make a decision. But I sure as hell did, because that's all I needed to know.
[23:31] But as I got older and I started getting context behind it, it started making sense. And it's like, how in the hell could I hate my mom for making the choices she made, you know?
[23:45] And it's like, I can't. I just can't. Knowing what I know with my friends and the type of life she grew up in. Because Agate was a rough place. I wouldn't say it's super rough now, but there's a lot of rough places in Guam.
[23:58] You know, we're an island. I hope everybody understands. Like, I know naturally we're tribal people, but a lot of us tribal people in America, we've gotten.
[24:09] How would you say, we kind of soften up. But in Guam, there's some tribal people who are still tribal as hell. And I wouldn't say they're still like that. But the traditions and everything and the culture keeps getting passed down.
[24:24] And I believe that it's only through us who it's passed to. We can make the change if we choose to. But how can you make a choice when you're not even sure of your own self?
[24:34] You know what I mean?
[24:36] Like, you can't give something you don't even understand or even have in you. So, yeah, I'VE just been hating life from, from the start because like I said, my dad said everything I do is just not good enough.
[24:50] Valerie Beck: Yeah.
[24:50] Joseph San Nicolas: And my mom, you know, that was just witness enough. But my mom did go through a lot of domestic violence too. Her boyfriend, she left us for, beat her up a bunch of times.
[25:00] So it's. It's like my heart in the end went to her and it's like, dam. I'm like, I. I'm sorry you went through all the **** you went through and I'm sorry I hated you for so ******* long.
[25:12] But, you know, these, the environments we're in, it kind of drives the decision we're going to make. And all I'm saying is you can change the environment you're in if you choose to make a choice.
[25:24] Because if you choose not to, don't cry about where you land, you know?
[25:29] Valerie Beck: Yeah. I want to ask you a question about.
[25:33] I remember you talking about forgiveness, this is the other day.
[25:38] And it seems that growing up, you know, especially within a religious environment and then also your family environment, it sounds like you were taught to judge. But what I heard from you just now is that you've learned to be compassionate and you learn to see things from many different sides and see what other people have gone through.
[26:00] How did you make that transition?
[26:03] Joseph San Nicolas: I honestly, I feel like I never really, like, asked myself this. Thank you for this. That's a great question.
[26:11] I believe that it was really just a matter of having no choice in anything I did. I felt like I didn't have a choice. So if I'm there, I'm going to take in whatever's in front of me, how it is.
[26:24] And because I was in front of girls who struggled through the same thing my mom did, I took it for what it was. And I saw them get. Get looked dirty at, you know, from other people.
[26:33] It's like, oh, you're so disgusting because you got pregnant at a young age. Or like, oh, how are you going to support yourself? And it's like, I couldn't stand it.
[26:42] I wanted to break some people's mouths, but I would tell some people, like, hey, bro, how would you like it if it was your sister? How would you like it if it was your mom?
[26:50] Because wasn't your mom young? You know? And people would just back off because, you know, when you're not doing something right and you get caught out, you're either going to stop and realize or you're going to keep doing it.
[27:02] But seeing Guam, at least when I was growing up, if you're going to keep doing it. We're going to switch from talking to swinging.
[27:10] So. Yeah. And I don't want to make it sound like everybody in Guam fought and this and that, but I grew up in a place where you better know how to fight.
[27:17] It's like that was the time I was growing up in. You can't just look at someone like.
[27:22] Like, dude that's asking to fight or even just staring like. Like, you better put a smile on that stare or you're going to get called out. It's called cut. Blah.
[27:30] That's what we call it in Guam. Somebody can cut blood you real quick. They're going to come up to you and they're going to say, what's up? You got a problem?
[27:36] And then it's up to you to figure out what the problem is or say, oh, nothing. But if you do that in front of everybody, you just lost respect for everybody.
[27:45] So you kind of left with no choice but to swing or say, what's up? I'm crazier than you. And the thing for me, what I realized was that because I was ready to meet death at a young age, and I didn't care, and I was ready.
[27:58] I just wanted to die. I didn't care who came my way. Say, they're going to stab me, they're going to shoot me. I don't care. I'm going to. I'm going to hurt you first pretty bad before you take me.
[28:09] Because if you don't take me, I'm taking you. And for me, that kind of set principle is in me because I believed in God that I will not let my hands fly unless I'm protecting myself.
[28:22] And there was a lot of guys who gave me **** because they're like, oh, you're just all taught because you don't even want to fight. It's like, look, guys, I don't fight for fun or for entertainment.
[28:31] I fight when I have to protect myself. And I'll tell you what, I protected myself a few times, but I'm really thankful that I didn't have to fight other guys because, hey, they probably would have beat me up.
[28:42] But hey, I would have died trying. And if there's one thing I learned is that when someone's set in their mind, regardless of what it is they're set on, they're going to do everything in their life to complete it.
[28:54] And that's a scary ******* place to be if what you're trying to complete isn't the best thing. So I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
[29:02] But if they're there in that position, I would like to just say, hey, look, if I made it out of that pile of ****, you should check out the other piles of **** because some don't stink as bad as the one you're in.
[29:14] And you know what, the more **** you get into, the more you're going to not like being dirty. And the less you and the more you clean yourself up, you actually start seeing the value and the greatness that is inside of you.
[29:26] But you ain't never going to see that until you clean it off. And you ain't never going to clean it off if you're in the belief that all I am is ****, you know, so.
[29:35] Valerie Beck: Yeah, so when did you stop, when did you stop believing that you were ****?
[29:41] Joseph San Nicolas: Just a few years ago, actually.
[29:44] Valerie Beck: Was that in 2020? What that you were talking about?
[29:47] Joseph San Nicolas: It was in the transition between 2020 and now. Because I really have a more better self love, if I may say, with myself. Because hey, all that time I was growing up, got nothing but self hatred.
[29:59] Yeah, self out self, everything. Just.
[30:02] Yeah, I was the type that's like, hey guys, if anyone's gonna die, just let me do it. And it's not like every. I always felt like nobody cared. And you know, when I say that I, I'm sure people cared, but they just had a ****** way of showing it, if that makes sense.
[30:17] It's like, for example, one of my uncles, just give you a little context again.
[30:21] He, when I was in like elementary, he would sit on my chest, push all the air out, grab his fart and shove it in my mouth and let go and get off my chest.
[30:34] And I'll tell you what, that's not a good ******* feeling. I hated that. And you know what? When I hit the age he was, when he did that, I questioned a lot like, how in the hell can a regular human being do this to a kid?
[30:49] I have kids of my own and it's like, bro, I wouldn't even do it to the person I hates, kid. Like, what, what the. You know, I had aunts who just thought bad about me because I'm my father's son and I'm a spoiled kid.
[31:06] But you know, it's funny because as I got older, they started having respect for me because they saw I wasn't playing anymore and I wasn't a kid. And whenever they needed something, they'd always call me to do it.
[31:18] And you know, I thought all of this was made make believe in my head. But when I talked to my younger cousin who I just wanted to see how he was doing.
[31:26] He confirmed it for me. He's like, dude, cuz I remember you always doing everything for everybody in that house. And we didn't just have one house, we had four houses.
[31:35] Like when in high school. But those four houses, three were not livable. One was somewhat livable, but we had to fix it. And out of all four, we ended up fixing three.
[31:49] So you know, that itself was a whole journey. But imagine as a high school kid, you're holding gravel tile, you're taking out roof, like tin roof out of a home.
[32:01] Not one, but two or three. You're water blasting, you're prepping, like, hey, maybe that's what all high schoolers have to go through, right? But I don't know. I'm just speaking on my experience.
[32:13] And you know what, compared to the people I knew, my life was a blessing. So I was not about to cry about some stuff my buddies like had worse with.
[32:23] If that makes sense.
[32:24] Valerie Beck: Yeah, yeah. I think what I want to dig into is like, how has the transition from self hate to self love changed your life?
[32:35] Joseph San Nicolas: Cool.
[32:37] It changed drastically. I'll tell you that. It's legit. The difference between night and day. And all of that was because I took myself serious, because I never did. It's like I always relied on God to be the strength that I needed.
[32:52] But now I'm at peace and knowing that I don't need God. And I don't say that like in a disrespectful manner. I'm just saying, does God ever show up when you're doing stuff?
[33:03] Because from what I recall, he didn't. I was the one that showed up. And you know what's crazy? If the Bible is true to what it says, God's in each and every one of us.
[33:14] And if it is true in what it says, God knows beginning to the end, then doesn't that mean everything's already set in place? In other words, we don't really have free will according to the Bible, because everything that's set in place and it's done is already set because God willed it.
[33:31] And if you really dig into it, we may not have free will, but we do have this thing called freedom of choice. Because you have a choice to either follow or not or to do or don't do.
[33:42] See, that's the freedom we have. Freedom of choice. But the freedom, the free will part, I don't believe any of the will is ours. We just have to accept the journey that we have and choose to either go on the mountain or go slide down the mountain or go swim in a lake or go party it up with other people who ain't moving in their journey.
[34:02] The choice is yours because ain't nobody going to make it for you except you. But then it goes back to making choice. Like I really believe some of us need.
[34:10] I think there should be a whole class or a whole thing about making choice. Like there's so many simple things in this life that we take for granted. Or we just like blend in and act like they're one.
[34:24] You know, for example, like stupid and dumb. I was always called stupid and dumb and I thought they were the same thing. But from my understanding, dumb means you're not aware of what you're doing.
[34:35] Hey, you're pretty dumb because you don't know. But stupid means you're aware but you still choose to do it. So whose fault is that? Now you know? So yeah, there's a lot of things we do mix and blend, but little do we know there's a big difference.
[34:52] So yeah, when it comes to the whole God thing, like if that's what people believe and that's what they need, let it be. But I'll tell you what, you'll never tap into your full potential being restricted because of some laws that you believe you can't, you know, overcome or you shouldn't pass.
[35:10] It's like the one thing that really opened myself up and really showed me some self love, and this is going to be crazy, was when I started looking into Satan, the devil also, AKA Lucifer.
[35:24] Because you know what have you ever been like in a place in life where you were just being honest and then you were looked and viewed as a. A hole or like a wrong person, a wrong human being for doing the right thing?
[35:39] Yeah. So it's like I always questioned why is Satan so bad? And according to people when they translate the Bible, it's because he transgressed against the law of God. It's like, I'm just a little confused because don't we all transgress the law of God?
[36:01] But only Satan is the one that's going to take the blame for everything, right? He's so evil. But if you go back and read like just the beginning of Genesis, we're told that he tempts.
[36:12] But if you really look, just knowing from my ways of learning of or analyzing things, it kind of seems like Eve and the snake in the garden had had conversations before because would someone just come up and say, hey, Val, if you touch that or eat it, you're going to die.
[36:32] Or, like, where's the context there, you know? So I always just question. I'm not saying Satan's a hero or I worship him. I'm just saying, wouldn't it be nice to give everybody a free fair, not free, but a fair, like, view at everybody, instead of just judging off the bat because of what someone said or how biased I feel because of what I was taught growing up?
[36:58] You know what? Ain't nobody can tell me the answers I've been seeking. So I stopped looking because I found all I need to know. It's like, first of all, angels, they were created to do one thing, which is God's will.
[37:12] That's it. And it's like, dude, I can go on and on about this kind of stuff, but it's something I'm still working on, if that makes sense.
[37:20] Valerie Beck: Yeah, yeah.
[37:22] Joseph San Nicolas: The angels, like, they don't. They have one purpose and it's to fulfill God's will. And I'm just saying Satan was. Lucifer was the top of all. He was right there under Jesus.
[37:37] And I don't understand that angels have free choice or free will when they were created for one purpose, if that makes sense. And I'm not saying, hey, guys, go and worship Satan.
[37:48] I'm just saying, why don't you go and read your Bible a little bit closer with a little open heart with a little less biased goggles, you know? And I'm not saying that he's a great person, but I'll tell you what, in order for the Lord to complete his will, you kind of need someone bad.
[38:06] Because you would never know good without bad. You would never know the goodness of God without the badness of God. Think about it. God is a selfish God. It's in the Ten Commandments.
[38:20] You shall worship no God before me. And guess what?
[38:24] I don't think Satan was worshiping any God. If anything, he was doing his job. And I'll throw a little nugget to kind of maybe stir people's mind up. But check this out.
[38:35] Are you familiar with the Bible? Let me ask.
[38:37] Valerie Beck: Not very much. I was like, I went to Bible school when I was five and that's about it. I was not raised Christian at all.
[38:46] Joseph San Nicolas: Well, hey, nothing wrong with that. I mean, after meeting you, I think it's been great because you're pretty wonderful. When we met, like you and everybody else I met. But just to put this out there, in Revelation, it talks about the war in heaven and it talks about when Satan got cast out of heaven, he took one third of the stars with him, and those stars were angels as well.
[39:10] And like I said, angels are created for one purpose only, to fulfill God's will. And if anybody would like to challenge this, hit me up on my Instagram. But I probably won't get back to you for a while because I'm trying to figure my life out still, you know, constantly.
[39:25] But think about that. One third of us, of the heavens was drawn out when Lucifer got cast out. But let me ask, why one third? Because if you really think about it, everyone should know this.
[39:37] There's this thing called the Holy Trinity, right? And if you take something from a place, you're not going to belong in anywhere. I would think, and I'm not saying this is fact, that maybe it's because it was your property, maybe you owned or they were under you.
[39:54] The third, because if you really look at heaven, it must have been divided into three.
[39:59] God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I'm not saying Satan's the Holy Spirit, but I'm just saying, isn't it odd that one third of the angels got drawn out when he left?
[40:14] Why? Why one third? It's not random. It's a purpose. Because everything in the Bible has a purpose according to what we know. But, yeah, that's just a little food for thought for the real Bible people.
[40:27] Valerie Beck: Yeah.
[40:28] Joseph San Nicolas: Don't make me sidetrack too much.
[40:30] Valerie Beck: No, I really appreciate it. I wish I knew a little bit more about the Bible, but just, you know, and it's hard for me to make an argument for one thing or another because I'm not familiar, but just to like, absorb some of what you said, I.
[40:45] I hear this need to look at others with more compassion. I feel like that's a. Almost like a bottom line kind of thing. Right. Because it's. It's like you're.
[41:00] We make all these assumptions based off of what other people have taught us. But some of what people have taught us is to hate and judge.
[41:09] And what chance do you give yourself if you can't give that chance to others?
[41:14] Joseph San Nicolas: Exactly. You can't give somebody what you don't even have. And I don't know. Are you familiar with Rob. I believe it's Rob Dyer. No, man, this. This guy really opened. So just to give a little context on when I gave up God, I listened to a few people.
[41:30] Jim Rohn for sure, but that he believes in God. But Rob Dyer and Alan Watts, two of the most important people I've ever listened to because they opened my mind about Jesus and God in a different way.
[41:42] I'm not gonna lie. I got offended in some of Alan Watts, his own like. And you know what I learned? When you get offended, you should peek in a little bit closer and say, why does this offend me?
[41:53] Ill shaken up because there's something wrong or something that goes against that maybe you need to check out. And I checked it out. But yeah, Rob Dyer really opened my mind to that on just looking at a different perspective.
[42:11] Valerie Beck: Just a quick correction for our listeners from future Valerie. During this conversation, Joseph mentioned Rob Dyer, but who he really meant to refer to was Wayne Dyer, the American thought leader and author of many impactful books, including change your thoughts, change your life.
[42:27] Thanks for your understanding. And back to the show.
[42:30] I kind of want to look at something you said about choice and going back to self love because my journey has been about self love.
[42:41] And the speech that I gave at SI was choose yourself before you lose yourself.
[42:46] The key word being choice.
[42:48] Right. I don't think people realize that you do need to choose yourself.
[42:55] It's one of the things that if you don't in your life, you won't really have a life. You'll always be living by somebody else's rules.
[43:05] Joseph San Nicolas: I agree.
[43:07] Valerie Beck: And so choice is self love. In that sense, love that.
[43:13] Joseph San Nicolas: That's beautiful.
[43:15] It really is. Because you're never going to really know what true love is until you figure it out for yourself. Because, oh, that's what I was going to say. Rod Dyer, he made it clear that you can't give love if you don't even have love in you.
[43:29] Because sometimes we think the love we got from the ones that help bring us up is the only love that we should know. But if you can have it in yourself to just question, not too much, but question enough with some really quality question, you'll be surprised with the answers you're going to find.
[43:48] Because I'm not going to lie, when I got out of service, I would yell all the time. I used to fly in helicopters, so I was a little deaf. But, you know, yelling at my wife and my kids, I don't believe that's a sign of love.
[44:00] But that was a sign of, or a kind of a sign of where I came from. But you can't give something you don't know. And you'll never know until you start making that choice, like you said.
[44:11] And I think choosing yourself is a great place to start. But I don't believe everybody would ever start that way because they might feel like they're not good enough or like they've.
[44:24] Every time they try to do good, it's just bad.
[44:27] Or like they're just purposeless, a waste of breath. And it breaks my heart because if you feel that way, all you got to do is ask those quality questions and find your answer.
[44:37] And if you don't like your answer, you have another choice to make. Continue what you're doing or go look at people. You, you want to, like, have a life that, like, look for people who have the life you would like and apply some of the principles that they've.
[44:52] They, they've put out there. Because I'll tell you what, there's no secret to success.
[44:56] There's no secret. Success leaves clue. And I believe success is just a feeling. It's not an accomplishment. Once you're successful, that's it. It's gone.
[45:06] It's here and then it's gone. Success. And Earl Nightingale, he has a wonderful definition of success. And I probably will mess this up, but his definition of success is having a goal and working towards it every single day, whether it's by a lot or a little.
[45:21] You get a little bit closer. That's his definition of success.
[45:26] So I probably messed it up, but in a nutshell, that's kind of what it meant.
[45:30] Valerie Beck: I think that sounds on point.
[45:32] Joseph San Nicolas: Appreciate it.
[45:32] Valerie Beck: So, all right, so now my question is, because I know and I've talked to people when I ask about self love or can you love yourself? They don't want to. They would rather love other people.
[45:46] And I just want to hear what you think about that. And.
[45:51] Yeah.
[45:53] What do you see when you. Or what do you, what do you think when you hear that?
[45:57] Joseph San Nicolas: That's a great question, because I don't think a lot of people really want to love themselves first because like I said, they don't know or they don't believe. But one thing I like to say to people like that is, why don't you love yourself the way you would love others the way you would love your friend?
[46:11] Because if your friend wanted to kill themselves, would you be like, yeah, bro, let's do it. Or would you be like, hey, man, like, why you? Or, hey, why are you guys feeling that way?
[46:20] You know, wouldn't you try your best not to talk them out? Well, yeah, you probably would want to talk them out of it. But it's like, what about you? If you wanted to kill yourself, would you want to talk yourself out of it?
[46:30] Or would you keep talking yourself into it? And this is a place I've been in many times. But because I believed in God, I just didn't have it in me to do it, if that makes sense.
[46:38] So that's what held me back. But when it comes to loving yourself, I would really suggest, why don't you love others? Love yourself the way you love others? Because it's funny what I've learned, that a lot of people that are depressed and a lot of people that hate themselves, they are some of the most kindest, some of the most funniest, some of the most outgoing people you'd ever meet.
[47:02] Inside, they're so dead and ready to go. I mean there's, it's all around us. Look at Robert Williams, I think is what his name is.
[47:12] Yeah, yeah, he was a wonderful guy. Made a lot of wonderful. Done killed himself, right, if I'm not mistaken. But that's just an example and there's many out there. And then, you know, I have friends, like I wouldn't call them close friends, but people I was in high school that killed themselves.
[47:29] And you know what, it was heartbreaking.
[47:32] Even though we weren't close and it was sad because we were just high schoolers, teenagers. Whether it was over a girl or whatever, it's like, bro, we couldn't, we couldn't have at least like had a beer, smoke a joint and had maybe eat some dinner and talk about this.
[47:48] And that's why from that point on I just told myself if I ever meet anyone that want to kill themselves, the least I can do is take them out to dinner.
[47:56] You know something, let's have one last conversation. Let me record this conversation so when you do it, I'll send it to your family because I'm going to dig really deep and hard into those quality questions when it comes to it.
[48:09] Because sometimes in life we're so emotionally distraught that you can't think straight, you can't even breathe right, you can't even open your eyes. Your body feels so weak. You're just shutting down because your mind is made up.
[48:22] And that's crazy because there is real power of a made up mind. Just like I shared earlier, when you're set on something, you'll be surprised on what you can do.
[48:32] And it just breaks my heart because what if you set yourself on a better life? What if you set your mind on. On something you don't believe that is yours.
[48:40] But see, that's the problem. You don't believe, you know, because belief in my opinion, comes from the thoughts and the feelings we have. And the one thing I've Always been questioning and I still don't have the answer is where do our thoughts come from?
[48:55] And the best thing I got for that is it comes from the environment that you're in. That's the thing I got and I'm still seeking. So if anybody got an answer on where our thoughts come from, please, I'm open up for suggestions.
[49:08] But from the best I know, our thoughts come from the environment you're in. And sometimes in life you don't get to choose that environment. You know, my wife, we, we went at it about how like I didn't have a choice growing up.
[49:20] Unlike that, you know, I couldn't just talk to my dad. You do not talk back to your parents like that. Or, you know, at least from my side of things in Guam.
[49:28] But it's hitting a spot and my mind rushing because it's, it's so important and it breaks my heart that I lost train of thought.
[49:36] Valerie Beck: But we were talking about self love.
[49:38] Joseph San Nicolas: And one thing I did want to share was when I was in the Navy, I was stationed at Nazni, which is North Island. It's in Coronado. It's a naval air station, North Island.
[49:50] So the thing about it is people would jump off the bridge.
[49:54] Sometimes our birds would respond to picking them up. Not mine, but like some other squadron or whoever's just around. And it's sad because what we found out was a lot of them were junior pilots.
[50:07] Like I said, I used to fly. And it breaks my heart to know that because they jumped off the bridge, because they dedicated their life for years. They went to college, they, they did it, they joined the Navy just to get to a point where they failed or they believed they couldn't.
[50:24] And all I'm. Oh, that's what I was saying is the belief.
[50:26] It's like belief is so strong and powerful that you gotta be careful of what you believe because what you believe can turn into what you're gonna do and what you're gonna follow.
[50:38] And you know, I am a firm believer. I'm not saying this is fact, but I believe feelings aren't fact until you apply action.
[50:47] It's like knowledge ain't power, but we're all under the impression that it is. But knowledge ain't ****. Knowledge is. It's cool. It's a cool story, bro. That's all it is.
[50:58] But knowledge with action, that's where the real power comes from. Yeah, a lot of us are shorted on all these things and you'll never set your mind to believe that there's Goodness out for you if all you are is stuck in an environment where everybody tells you otherwise.
[51:16] Till you start making a choice to remove yourself from the environment or to even at least make the environment a little bit comfortable or better for you. I wouldn't say comfortable.
[51:25] Sorry. More better for you, then maybe you could start seeing a little chance for you. But until then, if you're stuck in the household where your parents are running it and you just.
[51:36] Unfortunately, that's the cards you deal with. But guess what? When you become 18 and you're willing to go out there, there's nothing wrong with throwing those cards in voting it.
[51:45] Because everyone says, oh, you got to play with the cards you're dealt. No, you don't. You throw that **** back in the deck and get a new hand. But see, that's a problem.
[51:53] How the hell are you going to make something out of nothing?
[51:56] You know, you could, but to this analogy, it ain't going to work with a. With two single cards going up against a pair, you know?
[52:06] Valerie Beck: Right.
[52:07] Joseph San Nicolas: So you need to take those cards and just dump it and hope that the next time you'll get a better pair. And you know what? The more you keep throwing in the cards, you might have a better chance.
[52:17] Valerie Beck: I like that.
[52:19] Joseph San Nicolas: Thank you.
[52:19] Valerie Beck: Because a lot of people would say that that's too risky. I wouldn't say that because I have, I have thrown in my cards many a time.
[52:31] Joseph San Nicolas: But how's that for you, if I may ask?
[52:33] Valerie Beck: Right.
[52:34] So one, One thing that I have challenged myself on a lot in my life is faith.
[52:40] And sometimes I don't have enough faith, but I do have enough to throw in the cards.
[52:46] Joseph San Nicolas: Love that.
[52:47] Valerie Beck: Yeah. When I feel like something isn't, is not aligned, I always give myself the chance to look at it rather than just accept it for what it is.
[52:59] And what you said about belief and action. Have you read Atomic Habits by James Clear?
[53:06] If you haven't.
[53:08] Joseph San Nicolas: Yeah, it's one of the books I'm, I'm on my way to read. Yeah, it's one of those things.
[53:13] Valerie Beck: I know I have so many. But it talks about how your, your beliefs determine how you act. Right. That's what creates your habits.
[53:26] Joseph San Nicolas: Exactly.
[53:27] Valerie Beck: And so.
[53:28] And what you believe are just rehearsed thoughts that you have every day. And that's another thing that I researched is that, you know, you think the same about 95 of the same thoughts, 95% of the same thoughts as you had yesterday.
[53:41] So a lot of time that's just, it's just loops. Right. And that creates your actions because naturally you're gonna, you're going to act according to what you believe.
[53:51] Joseph San Nicolas: Exactly. But you're only going to believe what you've been surrounding yourself in because Jim Rohn says it best. In my opinion, you're a product of what you put into your mind.
[54:00] And if that's all you're going to be doing is a 95% of everything that you've been doing over and over again, don't expect a different outcome. Expect that 95% of the time the same thing's gonna happen.
[54:11] And you know, this, this is the crazy part. All people have to do is make a choice to do something different. Yeah, I know, I know. It's kind of hard.
[54:22] Oh my gosh. Maybe I should go to college in order to figure this out, huh?
[54:26] Valerie Beck: I don't know. I don't think college will have the answers.
[54:28] Joseph San Nicolas: I, I'm teasy, I got a perspective on college too. Like. But that's another thing. Cause I didn't go. I mean I went to community college for trade, but that's a whole different thing.
[54:37] But all I'm saying, you don't need a degree, you don't need to be a millionaire, you know. Cause man, I've met so much like millionaires and six figure pushers in 2023 that they really opened my mind.
[54:50] And that's. I kind of give credit to all those guys on why I really. Cause like in 2023, I guess to really give you.
[54:57] When I really switched to really going hard on loving myself was in 2023, okay, I went hard into real estate and I met so much wonderful people. And guess what?
[55:07] Out of the whole thing, I only got one deal.
[55:11] One deal. But you know what?
[55:14] That one deal, I wouldn't trade it for anything because of all the lessons that it taught me. Like again, I quote Jim Rohn a lot, but Jim Rohn says you should set a goal to become a millionaire.
[55:26] Not for the money, but for what it's going to make of you. Because that's where the true value is. It's not in the things that you're chasing, it's in what you become.
[55:35] So you. Maybe we should start setting some great goals or things in life that we don't believe we can ever achieve. And why not go for it? You know what I mean?
[55:45] Why not? Just curious. Why not? Why not you? Why not me? Why not the person listening? Because somebody said this and that, but I mean who, who better than to, you know, evaluate you than you?
[56:00] Because it's your life but that's just my opinion. So I got. I got a full disclosure, you know.
[56:08] Valerie Beck: Yeah, yeah. But I think that's also important, is to really trust your own experience. And a lot of people don't, because.
[56:18] Joseph San Nicolas: We don't know how to trust ourselves.
[56:20] That's my opinion again. But it's from my experience, though. And you know what I've. I've learned. I loved the podcast with you and Dr. Luann. Right.
[56:30] How she said, I don't believe normal is a real word. It's more like average. Because, you know, when we are not average and we're not normal, we feel like an outcast.
[56:42] We feel misplaced. Dude, it really touched my heart that she helps autistic people. I got friends who have autistic brothers or, you know, kids. And it. It's like. It's like, dude, if you're healthy in America and you're crying, maybe you should get sent over to some place where it'll change your own perspective on life.
[57:03] But not everybody can, you know, go to North Korea and see how they're living. Go to Iraq or, sorry, Iraq. I got to get out. Right? But, yeah, there's people out there suffering way more than we are.
[57:15] And if we're going to look at ourselves like, oh, my life's this, my life's that. So. Well, guess what? You have a choice. You got two choices to make or a decision to make.
[57:25] And there's two things when things happen to you, to either cry about it or do something about it. You know me, I choose to cry while I'm doing something about it.
[57:37] Ready?
[57:38] Valerie Beck: Yes. Me, too.
[57:40] Joseph San Nicolas: But, you know, it's just people will be people.
[57:44] Valerie Beck: Yeah.
[57:45] Joseph San Nicolas: And the thing is, I believe that kids are a reflection of their parents, because you're going to see how much time the parent put into the kid or the environment they come from, which was supposedly given to the.
[58:00] From the parent. Whether the kid was up for adoption, that was from the parent. There's a reflection. You know what I mean?
[58:08] So me understanding all of this, I really audited my life, and I really believe that we should all audit our lives. Because if you look at it, when I was studying a lot of these big pushers, higher earners, there's a lot of auditing that goes on in big businesses.
[58:25] There's a lot of auditing that goes on in, like, successful places. You know what's funny? The government itself does this thing called audits.
[58:33] And if we don't even realize all these things, like, why? Why. Maybe that's why we have the life we have. Because when's the last time you audited your life? When's the last time I audited mine?
[58:45] Because audits come yearly or they come quarterly. They come whenever you want it to come. The point is, audit your life if you want a different one or if you want to see how you can become more efficient or how you can ruin it even more.
[58:58] Choice is yours, because ain't nothing every. It's not always green on the other side. The grass ain't always green on the other side. The grass is green wherever you water it.
[59:08] You know what I mean?
[59:10] So that's. I forget where I got that from, but yeah.
[59:14] Valerie Beck: Yeah, I love it.
[59:15] Joseph San Nicolas: Got some rust going on.
[59:18] Valerie Beck: Okay, well, first of all, thank you so much for being on here today. I have. You have reminded me so much of what I. It's not so much as reminded, but, you know, there's a lot of lessons that are hard to learn in life, and you've so eloquently expressed many of those lessons and why they're important.
[59:40] And. Yeah, like, I find myself struggling all the time, and it's good to hear someone who has this perspective and the conviction that you also bring to it.
[59:51] Joseph San Nicolas: Thank you so much.
[59:53] Just know that when you're struggling, it's a good thing, because that means you're doing something to push you at that point, and you're either going to make or break. And honestly, it seems to me like you've been making.
[01:00:03] But understand this. Sometimes it takes some breaking in order to improve. So don't be mad when you break. Just collect all the good pieces and start rebuilding.
[01:00:14] It's our own life. We have one life. Like, why do we all act like it's that it? That's it. Oh, I messed up. Dn. It's like, dude, be happy you're breathing.
[01:00:23] I got friends that aren't breathing no more, people we love that aren't breathing no more. What would they give up to be in your shoes? How about that? It's like, carry that.
[01:00:32] You know, every morning your heart beats, you're able to take a breath. I'm sick right now. It sucks, I'll tell you that. But you know what? I'm still thankful because my kids are here, my wife's here.
[01:00:43] It's like, I'm not in the life, in the environment I once had. So make that choice. You know what I mean? Choose to just show up. Yeah. Or don't.
[01:00:55] Yeah, hey, I chose to show up. I wasn't prepared. You chose to show up, man. Honestly, thank you for this. It really came out way better than I was hoping.
[01:01:03] Valerie Beck: Oh, man, that was incredible.
[01:01:06] Joseph San Nicolas: Yeah. That was nice. Thank you.
[01:01:08] Valerie Beck: Thank you. Well, everyone, Joseph's and Nicholas.
[01:01:13] Joseph San Nicolas: Yeah.
[01:01:14] Valerie Beck: Thank you so much, everyone, and have a good night.
[01:01:16] Joseph San Nicolas: Awesome. Peace.
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