[00:00] Valerie: Hello and welcome to from the Ashes. I am your host, Valerie Hwang Beck, and we are starting off with season two today, Episode one. And I just want to first post a question. Have you ever felt misunderstood for a choice you've made or made wrong for being different? And I'm sure the answer for most of you is going to be yes. That is why today I want to talk about the four principles to live in harmony in today's polarized world. In this day and age where we're all living in such a divided atmosphere, where we all feel like we are pitted against each other, it is really important for us to start to think about how we are going to move forward as humanity and make things better for both our generation and the generations following. Now, the reason why I wanted to record this episode today is because the more I do these podcast interviews and ask people about their personal stories of growth and healing and struggle, I've realized that not everyone thinks the way that I do and that that is more than okay. I've been traveling and living abroad since my early 20s. I left after college for Japan and then embarked on a journey of international education and cultural exchange to learn more about the way that people think and the way that people carry on in their everyday lives in different parts of the world. I have found more and more that the way that we experience life is so nuanced and so diverse. Oftentimes, when we've only lived in one place, when we only speak one language, it is hard to conceptualize and get into the heads of people who are so different from you. And yet, because of today's increasingly interdependent and globalized economy, and with social media really linking us together throughout the world, there is really this need for us to put extra effort into living in harmony with people who are different from us. So you might be wondering, well, why? And what does this have to do with rising from the ashes? And I think the truth of it is that the more that I have been able to leave my home base, go and meet different people and get different perspectives, the more I have been able to build my resilience and my ability to bounce back from things that I thought would really just hold me back. And I think that understanding people's different experiences really help to see how we're not all so different that we can't get along. And yet also it's not so important for us to all believe in the same thing, to eat the same thing, to follow the same rules. Even so, I am going to present my four principles. Then I would love to hear your feedback, what you think about these principles and whether you have any to add for yourself. So number one is to listen, reflect, and respond. So I asked that question. Have you ever felt misunderstood for a choice that you've made or made wrong for being different? You know, whether this was, you know, a choice that you made and your parents didn't approve, or it was something that you did, or the way that you looked that was different from your peers that attracted negative attention, how did that make you feel? And for a lot of us, this type of experience of being othered is one that can be really traumatic because we feel like we don't fit in. And when we don't feel like we fit in, we also feel unsafe. And you don't have to be a minority for this to happen. It can be in any context. When you feel different and when as kids, we're pretty cruel in the way that we deal with other people, we're quick to point out differences and we're quick to really make fun of them because we just don't know the impact of our words. And also that other people are very different. But I remember a couple of instances while I was living in Japan that really helped me understand and be more compassionate towards people who think differently and who have different values. So one of the stories that I want to share is about masks. And I know that masks are somewhat of a controversial topic still, especially post Covid and their use of masks to prevent the spread of disease and whatnot. And it's funny because prior to Covid, I was living in Japan, and you know, at that time, Americans didn't use masks. So neither did I. I didn't have that practice. But I would notice all the time that my dance teacher would come in with a mask. And so I didn't know why, because sometimes it wasn't because he was sick. And so I took the time and I was like, hey, sensei, well, you always, sometimes you come in wearing a mask. Are you feeling sick or what's going on? And he said, well, I'm not necessarily sick right now, but I do feel like I could get sick and I don't want to transmit whatever I have to my students or anyone else around me. And even though I didn't wear a mask, it really helped me understand that, like his. His desire to do that wasn't necessarily based in fear, but it was also based in this compassion, also understanding that, like, we have to be responsible for our surroundings and the people around us. And this is something that is very common throughout East Asia. And there are different reasons for wearing masks. Like, it's not always about disease, it's sometimes about air quality and not wanting to breathe in, you know, stale air or polluted air. And I bring this up because there's a lot of controversy and anger around the usage of masks. And I think it's because we as an American people are very used to having our freedom, right? And the masking is a little bit of a psychological threat to us. But it also, for some reason, when you know someone's wearing a mask, I've gotten comments of like, I can't see your face and all of that. And it's like, there's always this question of, like, why get angry about what someone else is doing to either protect themselves or to protect other people. And it really showed me how the actual reality of this individual centered culture, as opposed to a more collectively centered culture, right? Because in Asia especially, it's a more collectively centered culture. Centered culture where the well being of others and the personal space and comfort of others is often put at a priority. And your opinions and your beliefs and all that come secondary in order to maintain this harmony. Now, there are definitely negatives and positives to this, but sometimes I do wish that we are able to zoom out and see, like there are different reasons for why people may not or use a mask or put on a mask. And oftentimes everyone is guided by a different set of experiences and beliefs. Another example that I can think of that I've had personally. I remember when I was working in Japan and it was my third year and I was getting ready to actually leave the country in a couple months. I was invited to go along with a sixth grader's Shu Gaku Ryoko, which means like their school trip. And we went to Kyoto and Nara. And it was a huge honor and privilege for me because other English teachers, international English teachers at least, haven't had that opportunity to go with their students and fellow colleagues, Japanese colleagues, to this trip. And so I really, at that point had learned a lot of Japanese and was learning the language and people were very comfortable with talking to me. And I was able to really connect with my colleagues on a more personal level. We all stayed in the same ryokan, which is like a Japanese inn, where we have like the traditional futons on the ground. And Like a very fancy dormitory style. And I remember talking to one of my colleagues one night. We were just around the table having tea, and we were talking about how she's a woman in her probably early 50s, mid-50s, had been in Japan all her life talking to this American young lady. At that point, I was probably, like, 23 years old. About how she longs for the traditions of Japan, where the older traditions of Japan, where women had a more subservient role to men, and how she wishes that, you know, women were still brought up to be more obedient and to serve their husbands and whatnot. Which I thought was really interesting because it went completely against who I was. I was definitely. I remember thinking, like, well, that's definitely not me. I'm. I'm like, feminist all the way, and I believe in women's independence. But I didn't say any of that, but I just gave myself a little bit of time to. To really take it in and think about, well, one. She feels she trusts me enough to share this one. And then also, it's a really. It's a different look at a different society where things are done and run in a distinct way. And I decided at that point, there's no point arguing, first of all, because this is not something that's going to necessarily change society for the better if I just decide to start an argument. But also, I always find that there's a reason for someone to believe that right there is a way or a way of life that is easier with perhaps the gender roles that she was accustomed to living in as an older Japanese woman. And it's not even to say that all people around her age from Japan have the same thinking. It's just that for her, she felt like life would be easier if things were this way. And I feel like that is definitely worth considering. And just like thinking about, well, I come from a very different place where independence and, you know, striving for achievement is really valued, but it's not always the case in other places, and that that belief is not always rewarded in the same way. So I really appreciated her being able to share that with me. And also just thinking about, like, well, I'm the younger one here, too. I don't know that much about the world. It may be in my best interest just to think and process this for now, and if I choose to respond later, that's great. But not every conversation has to be an assertion of your own opinion. All right, so the second principle that I want to discuss today is that it's important for us to understand our own cultural context and how our own culture works and how culture shapes us because we're socialized in our systems and our thinking and behavior that generally reflects the values and the neuroses of those symptoms. So what do I mean by that? There's a really good book called. I believe it's called Preschools in Three Cultures. It actually was a longitudinal study done in preschools in America, Japan and China. And they analyzed how the preschools ran and the behaviors that it produced in the children. And it was a fascinating book because it really showed that we will set up our school systems in a way, even unconsciously, that is going to produce the attitudes and behaviors that are desirable in our culture. So, having worked a little bit of time in Japanese school systems, I remember one of the most stark things that I, when I arrived in Japan was that my students were doing, like, somewhat military marches on the school field in preparation for this event that they were going to have called sports Day. And it was really interesting because they were all, like, in line marching, you know, to. To this rhythm. And it's something that you would never see in the United States, at least at a regular public school. And it was part of a sports day. You know, it wasn't like a national pride day or anything like, that had nothing to do with military, but, like, there was this very orderly nature to it. And these activities reflect how or what values society has. So, like, having order and being in line is very reflective of what is valued in Japanese culture. And when I was reading the preschool book, what really struck me about the American preschools was that there was this neuroticism around how the children were treated. And, like, we do tend to treat children a little bit more delicately, especially because there's so much of that fear of getting in trouble or, you know, unfortunately, we do have a culture of abuse that also permeates into that neuroticism. And so, like, there's a lot of caution around how we treat the children, but it also creates this within the children, also creates this belief that they are a little bit more protected and they are a little bit. Things are done more for them than in, let's say, a Japanese or Chinese preschool. Uh, it's a fascinating book. I definitely would recommend checking that out. If you like anthropology and if you like these social psychological studies. If we think about how everything around us shapes the way that we think and how what we believe, we can also understand that that is how every single other human being on this earth is. Is Socialized to behave it ju. It's just that everyone has a different experience, and so they're going to have different reactions to different things. One thing that also comes to mind when I'm talking about this is understanding how culture works. I think that there is this idea that culture is, you know, it's set in stone and you just like, take a cultural concept and you can plant it in another place, but it's simply not like that. You have to think about culture as a living organism. Just like a culture in a petri dish, a bacteria grows according to its environment. You know, it does its own thing. So we can't always control directly. We actually don't have that much control over how culture is translated from one place to another, or cultural practices are translated from one place to another. One of the funniest things that I think people get really angry at is this, you know, or get mistakenly angry at is the notion of how foods and practices are used in different places. And while cultural appropriation is definitely a thing, a lot of the times when foods migrate from one country or place to another, they get adapted to the local palate. And I do feel oftentimes people are like, so angry when they see pokey in the States as opposed to pokey in Hawaii. And, you know, they're like, that's not how it's supposed to be. And like, this is, like, this is wrong and all of that. But then again, how do you stop that? Especially if the local palate prefers something different, right? And the same thing with like, let's say if you look at kimchi between Japan and in Korea, the kimchi that you can find in Japan is not nearly as spicy as the one in Korea. And it's actually sometimes a little bit more salty or even sweet. And it's just that they. The Japanese palette doesn't take spice as well as the Korean palette. Right? But it came from Korea and so they do call it kimchi there. And it is. It is hard to stop those flows. The same thing with ramen, right? If you think about ramen in Japan, the actual letters for ramen is la-mian, which comes from China, which means like pulled noodles. But there has been such a migration of this food from China to, let's say, Korea with the ramyun and then to Japan with ramen. That, yes, you could say it's. It's still like a Chinese based food, but at the same time, it is very much distinctly Japanese in its way. And those are just very surface level examples of this. If we really Take a deep look. And we were actually to step back and look at the big picture of the way that we have adapted religions, we have adapted philosophies, we've adapted sports, even, and especially food. We are a lot more connected, and our borders are a lot more permeable than we allow ourselves to really believe. And, in fact, the reason I have my logo as this Japanese, it's a shiisa, which is a mythical lion from Okinawa. But they often come in pairs with one mouth open and one closed is because the original origin of the open mouth and the closed mouth is the idea of the universal sound of om, where the first sound is open and the last is closed. Right. And they have this open mouth and closed mouth, and that's where originally it comes from. There's a lot of different mythologies that have then developed. But I did read it somewhere in Japan that this was the reason why these guardian lions have this mouth shape. And it blew my mind, because then once I saw that and once I noticed it, I started to notice everything else. Not just the migration of Buddhism that happened from India to China to Korea to Japan, but also, you know, along with that. Yeah. A lot of Hindu deities, you can find their statues in Japan, and it's not even often talked about because they serve a different purpose in Japan, where religion isn't as strict and it isn't as widely practiced in the same way that it is in other cultures. A lot of these details get missed. But if you travel a lot, you start to see, like, we are very, very connected, and yet we are connected in a way where everything flows and changes as. As it moves. And again, I don't think that's a bad thing. I think it's just it shows how we do tend to, as humans, change what comes to us to fit what we want. All right, so with that, I want to go on to my third principle, and that is don't expect everyone to be on board with everything that you are rallying for. Don't expect everyone to be on board with all of your beliefs. And this, I feel, is so obvious, and yet it is often forgotten. And we have a huge problem. I find, especially in the United States, where ideology actually is. We're all expected to adopt the same ideology. And I am not talking about religion, but more of this idea of that we should all have the same moral compass. And I think this is where virtue signaling has really arisen. Because when we see something that is morally wrong from our perspective, we automatically think that everyone else around us shares that Same belief. So we're very quick to point the finger at others for not putting our feelings first or agreeing with us or sharing the same opinion as ourselves. And it's, it's funny because for a society that claims to value freedom of expression and speech here in the States, we definitely should get upset at someone when they don't share the same ideology. And a lot of the times a lot of this has to do with a lot of really heavy issues like violence, war, sexism and the repercussions of that. And they can be very serious. But at the same time, I think we do also have to remember that there needs to be compassion for the individual's experience and an individual's capacity to hold only so much in their container. I think the other problem with, well, expecting everyone to be on board with your opinions and your beliefs is that it's on the surface level it is somewhat immature to continue to do that. But also on a deeper level there's this lack of compassion that is the larger issue. We find ourselves having lack of compassion for others experiences when we are, we see our, our platform or our stance as the morally right one. We tend to be very emotionally swayed by what we believe in. And so in our attempt to also calm these emotions, I believe that we also forget that other people have different experiences and also have emotions. And so we say a lot of cruel things to people who don't necessarily deserve it. It might be that like they're not ready or they have other things going on in their lives which don't allow them to cultivate the same passion that you would for a certain cause. There's a really good book called American Exceptionalism by Seymour Martin Lipset. And it talks about how in America we do value freedom of religion, but because of that the need for unity in ideology has emerged in a different way for us. And there is a very strong ideology of freedom and also of hard work and of meritocracy within our psychology, our social psychology that seems to permeate everything that we do and everything that we believe. So it's a really interesting book because it again, it allows us to zoom out and see like, you know, how we have formed as a society and that it's not just something that is natural or that is God given or that is, it doesn't exist just because it exists and that it's the way, the way that we have formed our own identity, our national identity in history. Another part of this is in terms of don't expect everyone to be on board with you is that I also find that we all get upset when someone doesn't use the same language or lingo as us. And it's like people get offended to show off their moral superiority because we haven't adapted the same words. And again, I think this is, this shows our tendencies to be self centered because even, you know, just knowing that some people come from different countries, they migrate, like immigrate to the US or, or maybe they grew up in a household where English wasn't the first language, we might not have the same vocabulary. And just because you have a more sophisticated vocabulary doesn't mean that everyone else around you does or has the understanding of what you're trying to, what you're saying. And as our culture evolves, you know, I think especially as the younger generations create their own lingo, they expect for everyone else to be on board with that lingo. But it's like through generations too, we've had different experiences. It's not as easy for older generations who have had a different upbringing to adapt to the younger generations. And it doesn't make us any less people, but we just learn slower. And we also may have different reasons for using different language. All right, so my final principle of today is to go beyond black and white and right and wrong thinking. So in the Vedic wisdom, in Ayurveda and yoga and these, these old, ancient philosophies, they talk about the notion of psychospiritual states. And there are three of these gunas, or qualities of the mind that we can look at as kind of like this lake. So when the lake is muddy and stagnant, we can't see at the bottom. And when our vision is clouded and we aren't privy to what's beyond the mud, we only see things as our way. So it's our way is the right way, and it's our way or the highway. And so a lot of us grow up thinking like, well, there's only one way to think, there's only one way to speak, there's only one way to do certain things. And it's very difficult to break out of this unless you have exposure to different types of people, people with different opinions and whatnot. Sometimes when we are stuck in the mud, and this is called tamas in Sanskrit, it's really easy to get upset and to hate people who are different than us. But when we start to make friends and meet people, our belief systems might get tossed up in the air a little bit like jogged. The mud starts to lift from the ground and create ripples the water starts to ripple and you might see a little bit of what's at the bottom of this lake. But because there's so much turbulence in the water, you find that the more you try to move, the cloudier it gets again. But you don't know any other way to clear up the lake. And so you continue to move. And this is the psychospiritual state called rajas. It's the state where we're constantly trying to fix things. We're constantly worried about the future or angry at circumstances or attached to certain ideas or things. And in this state, it's very easy to get emotionally upset and to attempt to settle the dust by controlling what's outside of us. So when the mud is all up and we're all up in arms about things, it's very easy to suffer the consequences of life. But yet in the state, we are also able to see like we're not always right. But that's a painful thing to go through. We're not always in the. We're not always going to agree with everyone and not everyone is always going to like us. That can be incredibly painful for people to acknowledge. And so we need to learn how to agree to disagree and be happy and not to jump to conclusions about someone just because. Just because you don't like their behavior. And a lot of the transformation personally comes from being able to acknowledge and to accept and to forgive when we are able to overcome our own anxiety, to allow ourselves to let go of our fear, let go of judgment and our own attachment. And when we're no longer held hostage by these emotions, then we have the ability to zoom out and see the bigger picture for what it is. When that happens, reality finally becomes clearer and we become not only more understanding of ourselves, we become able to understand others better as well. We finally gain the clarity and discernment needed to have compassion for the whole of our experience and the experience of other beings. And that ability to see the bigger picture with clarity and equanimity is described as the psycho spiritual state of Sattva, the state where healing can truly begin. So one of the ways to go beyond black and white thinking is to start to just gently question and take stock of who you believe you are and what you believe is important, right? These are our core values in life. And our core values can revolve around the way that we treat ourselves, the way that we relate with others. What you put first in your life, whether that be your family, your faith, your career, and question yourself, like why are those things important, and it's not to upend those beliefs, but to really get to know why they are there. The more that you can identify your own beliefs and have that understanding of yourself, the more you can see other people's and have compassion for them. When you have compassion for other people, it's easier to see their fear and be okay with being with it instead of trying to have them think a different way. So those are my four principles for how to live in harmony in today's polarized world. I'd love to hear what you thought about it if you could think of other examples in your own life where you've noticed how these principles apply and whether I missed any principles that you think would be important for us to move forward as a collective in humanity, as a global citizen in the 21st century. So I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks. I believe that everyone has a right to be heard, even when their opinions may differ from mine. I'm really looking forward to having you hear stories of people who have just lived such full lives and have really thought about what direction they want to take it. I am really looking forward to highlighting people's personal journeys of healing and of self discovery. And if there is a story that you would like to share, please do sign up for the newsletter. Get in touch with me and share your story. I would love to hear what you've been through and what you are looking to create in the future. So again, my name is Valerie Huang Beck. Thank you for listening, for tuning in and I will catch you for the next episode of from the Ashes.
